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感恩節？美國大學許多新生準備甩掉“舊愛”
Lots of college freshmen are about to dump their high-school sweethearts

[ 2013-12-04 09:21]

來源：中國日報網

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Thanksgiving break is here, which means it's time for the “Turkey Drop”.

Many college freshmen are home this week for the first time since August. They’ll retreat to what is comfortable – spending time with family, old friends, and for some, a high-school sweetheart. Thanksgiving will also be a time for big questions, particularly for those freshmen still in high-school relationships. Did they take advantage of their first three months in college, or did they lose out by spending too much time on Skype? During their first trip home, freshmen have to decide whether they stick it out with their first love, or succumb to what is known as the “Turkey Drop”— the phenomenon of high-school couples breaking up when they come home for their first Thanksgiving.

Much of my own freshman year in college was determined by one recurring scene. A friend knocks on my door. She tells me her plans for the night – maybe a sorority party or a pregame in a friend’s room – and asks me if I want to come along. I look at her, all dolled up in heels and a cute crop top, and then I look back at my bed, soft and warm, offering a Saturday night of TV, calls with high-school friends, and microwavable macaroni and cheese. Do I push myself to meet new people (and risk spending the next four hours smiling and saying “hey, where are you from?” so many times that my face starts to hurt), or do I fall back on the familiar?

One Princeton junior told me that, during her first three months in college, she stayed in her room every Friday and Saturday night. She didn’t go out because her high-school boyfriend didn’t want her to. The first time she drank alcohol, he “fell apart.” When she signed up to join a sorority, he started a screaming match. She knew she was missing out on important college experiences, but there was still something that made her stay with him for the first few months.

“First semester of freshman year, you don’t have that many real friends, so when my high-school boyfriend would show up, I would be like, ‘Yes, here is someone I trust, that I can actually tell things to,’” another junior said. “He was someone who would just instantly understand what was happening with me emotionally. I would want to just hole up in my room for the rest of the weekend, talking to him.”

So when does this affinity for the familiar start to change? In the first few months of college, there are those long, lonely freshman nights – times when you wonder whether you’ve actually made any real friends. By November, however, most freshmen have gotten over the worst of their homesickness. The “Turkey Drop” happens in part because freshmen realize they no longer need the safety blanket of their high school significant other.

According to Dr. Christopher Thurber, a psychologist at Phillips Exeter Academy, going home for Thanksgiving – being surrounded by people they love – can actually help freshmen to get over their homesickness. “When you’re homesick, your actions – being tearful, staying in your room a lot – will cue in the people around you, and prompt an appropriate social response,” said Thurber. “People will reach out to you, and that often will boost the student’s confidence. This in turn will help them overcome feelings of homesickness.”

When I came home for Thanksgiving my freshman year, I was also shocked by how much I’d changed. I went to a high school where the majority of students had been living in the same town since kindergarten. Most people had similar views on political issues and didn’t have experience with cultures different from our own. Then I moved into my freshman dorm, and met a roommate who had just flown in from South Korea. At Thanksgiving, it felt strange to reunite with my group of high school girlfriends, who all grew up within a 20-mile radius.

"A freshman will think, ‘When I was with this girl in high school, I thought we were going to be together forever. Then I got to college and saw that there was so much going on – different people and places and things.’ The committed match that you had in your mind might not look the same when you go home for Thanksgiving,” said Thurber.

Almost everyone I interviewed said there was no way to casually be in a long-distance relationship in college. If you were weren't together everyday on campus, then you had to make sacrifices, and you didn't make sacrifices if things weren't serious. One junior told me that, freshman year, her high-school boyfriend revealed his plans to propose the day after graduation. She broke up with him a few weeks later.

"The nice thing about the college atmosphere in terms of relationships is that you can ease in to them – you don’t have to know where you stand, you don’t have to be really certain,” said a current college junior. “But with long distance, there’s the implication that you’re in it for the long haul. Having a long-distance relationship in college doesn’t just mean long distance. It means long distance, long term.”

By late November, you realize that the long-distance, marriage-proposal kind of commitment is fundamentally opposed to the ideals we’re taught to associate with college. A lot of women told me they felt guilty about having a high-school boyfriend because it just wasn’t what you were “supposed” to do as a freshman. When I asked them exactly what they were supposed to be doing instead, no one had a concrete answer. A few vaguely mentioned drinking more heavily, or being free to consent to a dance floor make-out, but there was clearly something else.

From movies like Animal House, Van Wilder, and 21 and Over, we get this idea that college is the only time in our lives when we can do stupid, drunken things and not get in too much trouble. The bridge of Asher Roth’s legendary rap anthem, “I Love College,” offers freshmen just one piece of advice: “Do something crazy!” In college, you’re supposed to make mistakes because those mistakes become cool stories – the kind that build character and street cred. But it’s hard to feel free to make bad decisions when you’ve got someone from home sending you a constant stream of text messages on Saturday night.

There’s more to this cultural idea of college than wild parties. Leaving home, we’re told that the next four years will be a time to experiment and figure out what we want to contribute to the world. Most juniors and seniors I know chose to major in a department different from the one they listed on their college application. That’s because we’ve all taken risks, learning about topics we didn’t expect to love. The whole process is trial and error: Try a lot of different things, and see what works. The biggest pressure for freshmen to “turkey drop” comes from knowing that we may never again be this free to explore.

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感恩節假期來臨，這也意味著“放棄火雞”的時候到了。

本周很多大學新生都會回到家中，這也是自八月以來的首次。他們將重返舒適的生活——與家人、老朋友、對一些人來說，還有高中時的男女朋友呆在一起。感恩節也是解決一些大問題的日子，尤其是那些還保持著高中時期情侶關系的大學新生們。他們是否充分利用了大學的前三個月呢？或者他們是否因為花費太多時間在網絡電話上而過于松懈了呢？在他們第一個歸家假期里，大一新生們必須要作出決定——是要繼續他的初戀，還是向著名的“放棄火雞”理論屈服。（“放棄火雞”理論是指高中情侶們紛紛在第一個感恩節放假回家時提出分手的現象。）

我大一那年總是反復出現這樣一個場景。一個朋友敲響了我的房門。她告訴我她今晚的計劃——可能要去一個朋友的房間參加一個女生聯誼會或者一個賽前準備活動——問我要不要加入。我看著她，穿著高跟鞋，裝扮可愛，然后目光又定格在自己的床上，溫暖舒適，似乎過一個周六電視夜，叫上高中時的朋友，再準備一些微波通心粉和奶酪才是我想要的。我是應該讓自己去認識一些新的人（并且冒著花費接下來的四個小時不停地微笑、寒暄“嗨，你家是哪的？”直到面部僵硬為止的風險），還是繼續過我熟悉的那種生活？

一個普林斯頓的大三生告訴我，在大學的前三個月里，她每個周五周六都呆在自己的房間。她不出去是因為她高中的男朋友不希望她出去。她第一次喝酒，他“崩潰”了。她報名參加一個女生聯誼會，他開始大呼小叫。她知道她錯過了很多重要的大學經歷，但是在這幾個月里總有些什么讓她覺得不能和他分手。

“大一的上學期，沒有什么真心朋友，所以當我高中的男朋友出現時，我就會覺得‘對，他就是我信任的人，我可以傾訴的人’”，另一個大三生說道。“他就是會立刻懂得我在想什么的人。我愿意整個周末都把自己關在房間里，跟他聊天。”

那么這種親密的關系是從什么時候開始改變的呢？在大學里的前幾個月，總會有一些漫長又孤寂的新生夜——那些夜晚你會不住地想自己是否有真正的朋友。然而到了十一月，大多數新生都從想家最折磨的階段恢復了出來。“火雞”現象的發生部分是因為新生們意識到他們已經不再需要高中那個至關重要的另一半帶來的安全感。

Christopher Thurber博士，一個菲利普斯埃克塞特學院的心理學家表示，回家過感恩節——周圍都是自己愛的人——會讓新生們的戀家情緒不治而愈。“在你想家的時候，你的行為——眼淚汪汪，經常悶在自己的房間——會給你周圍的人發出一個信號，帶來一個適當的社會反應，”Thurber說道。“人們會去接近你，這也會提高學生的自信。反過來，這也會幫助他們克服戀家情緒。”

在我大一那年回家過感恩節的時候，我完全被自己的改變震驚了。我就讀的高中大多數學生都從幼兒園起就住在一個鎮上。大多數人對于政治問題都保持著相似的見解，也沒經歷過和我們小鎮不同的文化氛圍。之后我搬進了新生寢室，室友剛剛從韓國來。感恩節的時候，再和我高中的朋友們重聚顯得些許怪異，她們都在二十英里以外的地方長大了。

“新生可能會覺得‘高中時我們倆在一起的時候，我以為我們一輩子都會在一起。之后我上了大學，發現未來的路還很長——不同的人，不同的地方和不同的事。’你腦海中曾經堅定的想法可能在你回家過感恩節的時候又不一樣了，”Thurber說道。

幾乎所有受訪者都表示在大學里維持長距離的關系可能性不大。如果你們不能在大學里每天在一起，就必須得做出一些犧牲，而如果不夠認真你就不會做出犧牲。一個大三生稱，大一時，她高中時的男朋友透露說畢業的第二天就會向她求婚，而幾周后，她就提出分手了。

“對于關系，大學氛圍最好的一件事就是你可以輕松地享受這段關系——你不需要知道你在哪，也不需要十分確定，”一個現在就讀大學三年級的人說道。“但是長距離的關系就意味著你要長期維持。大學里的異地戀不僅僅意味著距離遠，也是在說雙方的感情要維持很久。”

到十一月下旬，你就會意識到長距離，以婚姻為目標的承諾和我們與大學聯系在一起的想法是完全相悖的。很多女性都告訴我有一個高中男朋友讓她們感到很內疚，因為這并不是一個大學新生應做的事。我反問她們那個時候到底應該做些什么時，沒人給我一個具體的答復。有幾個人含糊地回答說應該多喝些酒，作為“自由人”去赴舞池約會，但答案當然不止這些。

從《動物愛回家》，《留級之王》，《21玩過界》等電影中，大學是我們生命中唯一一段可以做愚蠢的事卻惹不上大麻煩的時光。羅斯（Asher Roth）的傳奇饒舌頌歌的橋梁，“我愛大學，”給大學新生們提出了一條意見：“做點兒瘋狂的事！”在大學里，你應該犯錯，因為這些錯誤日后都會變成很酷的故事——能塑造性格和名聲的那種。但是如果家那邊有個人總在周六的晚上給你發一條又一條的信息，你可沒辦法去自由地做這些事。

而大學的文化層面甚至比聚會狂歡還包含更多。一離開家，我們被告知接下來的四年試驗并搞清楚我們想為世界貢獻些什么的時間。我認識的大多數大三生和大四生都選擇了和他們大學申報表上填寫的不同專業，這是因為我們都冒了險，學習一些我們沒預料到會喜歡的內容。整個過程就是反復試驗：嘗試很多不同的東西，看哪個好用。大學新生“火雞放棄”最大的壓力就是明白我們可能再也沒法這樣自由地去探索了。

（譯者王靈活編輯丹妮）

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