據說可愛的小動物有治愈心靈的作用。在重度拖延癥患者的家中，來了一位不速之客——一只誤打誤撞而被困爐中的小松鼠。誰知，在這位不請自來的客人的“熱情幫助”下，雜物堆積如山的衛生死角得以重見天日。是什么治愈了作者的拖延癥呢？

One Squirrel, Two Problems

一“鼠”二鳥

By Robert Klose 趙云舒 選 棣棠 注

The TV room at the south end of our house is like a black hole: It’s the place where things tend to wind up if there’s no other place to put them, or if I can’t decide whether to throw them away. As such, it’s a land of perfectly serviceable cardboard boxes (one never knows when one will need a box), old magazines saved for the recipes I will never try, shoes that are just about—but not quite—worn out, a collection of old (and worthless) soda bottles I excavated from the Penobscot River behind my house, a wood stove I rarely light, and other assorted bric-a-brac. The TV itself could actually go, but I turn it on every four years to watch the presidential election returns.

And so my ears perked up the other night when I heard a metallic scratching sound coming from the TV room. I went out to have a look, but of course there was no sound when I got there. But after I had gone to bed it was loud enough to wake me. Once again I inspected , and once again, nothing.

The next morning at breakfast the scratching persisted even as I entered the room, long enough for me to identify the source: the stovepipe leading from the wood stove. Ever so carefully, I approached and opened the stove’s front doors. There it was, a squirrel, looking up at me.

I immediately clamped the stove doors shut and considered my course of action. I was grateful to have the animal contained. Squirrels in the house can do immense damage, gnawing on wall studs , electrical wires, and, of course, making baby squirrels. The racket itself was enough to put one’s teeth on edge.

So what to do?

I didn’t want to kill it, so at least I knew which path wasn’t open to me. And there was really no humane way to get it back up the chimney. I decided I would give it a more appealing escape route.

I closed the door to the kitchen and opened the outside door. It was a windy, 10-degree-F. day in Maine, and the frigid air immediately rushed in. I threw the stove doors open, stepped back, and waited—but not for long. The squirrel leaped out of the stove as if airborne, but it was frantic and didn’t head outside. Instead, it tore through my magazine pile, ran up the curtains, and then, like a bowling ball, mowed down my collection of riverine soda bottles, sending several crashing to the floor. The animal was in a complete panic, and all I could do was stand back and plead with it to leave.

But it wasn’t finished. It bounded through the tower of cardboard boxes and crouched, breathless, behind the collection of old shoes.

It finally dawned on me that I was probably the thing striking fear into that small, palpitating squirrel heart. So I quickly got on the other side of the kitchen door and watched the uninvited guest through the glass. In my absence, it became calm enough to look around and assess the situation. It chewed on a shoelace for a few moments, then raised its nose to the chilly wind coming in from outside. Briskly, but gracefully, it bounded out the door, into the snow, and up the trunk of the first tree it came to.

Job done.

Actually, two jobs were done that day. Not only did I evacuate a squirrel, but the animal did me a tremendous favor: It made the TV room into more of a mess than it was, to the point where I could stand it no longer. I heaved and ho’d until I finally had the clean, uncluttered, inviting space I had intended to have all along. I wish you could see it now.

Vocabulary
1. wind up: 結束。
2. 如此這般，這片地方滿是完好可用的紙箱（誰知道什么時候就有人需要用到個紙箱），為了我永遠不會嘗試的菜譜而留存的舊雜志，將破未破的鞋子，一堆我從屋后諾斯科特河里挖出來的舊（且無用的）蘇打水瓶子，一個我極少點火的柴爐，還有其他亂七八糟的小玩意兒。as such: 就這樣；serviceable: 可用的；cardboard: 硬紙板；excavate: 發掘，挖掘；assorted: 各種各樣的，混雜的；bric-a-brac: 小擺設，小古董。
3. perk up: 警惕起來，精神起來；metallic: 金屬的；scratching: 尖銳刮擦聲。
4. inspect: 檢查，審視。
5. stovepipe: 火爐煙囪。
6. clamp: 用力合上；course of action: 做法，行動步驟。
7. gnaw: 咬；wall stud: 壁柱。
8. racket: 吵鬧聲，響聲；put one’s teeth on edge: （聲響）讓人不安。
9. humane: 人道的，仁慈的。
10. 10-degree-F.: 10華氏度。世界上有三個國家，美國、緬甸和利比亞使用華氏度來度量溫度；Maine: 緬因州（美國東北部州）；frigid: 寒冷的。
11. leap out of: 從……跳出，躍出；airborne: 空降的；frantic: 狂亂的，瘋狂的。
12. 然而，它沖過我的雜志堆，跑上了窗簾，然后像個保齡球一樣，沖向了我那堆河邊撿來的蘇打水瓶，把好些瓶子撞到了地上。mow down: 摧毀；riverine: 河邊的。
13. in a complete panic : 完全失控，恐慌；plead with: 懇求。
14. bound through: 跳躍穿過；crouch: 蜷伏。
15. dawn on: 漸漸明白；strike fear into：使……感到害怕；palpitating: 發抖的。
16. assess: 判斷，評估。
17. chew on: 反復地咬（或啃）；shoelace: 鞋帶；chilly: 寒冷的。
18. briskly: 迅速地；trunk: 樹干。
19. 我不光解放了一只松鼠，這小動物也幫了我天大的忙：它讓電視間比原來更亂更糟，讓我實在忍無可忍了。evacuate:（從危險的地方）疏散；tremendous: 極大的，巨大的。
20. heave and ho: 原指水手拉繩索時喊的號子，此處指賣力地干活；uncluttered: 整潔的，整齊的；inviting: 怡人的，誘人的。

（來源：英語學習雜志 編輯：許晶晶）