偽球迷，別再吐槽世界杯了！
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In a few days' time, on 12 June, Brazil play Croatia in the opening match of theWorld Cup. For some, this will be the start of a month embedded in front of atelevision; for as many – if audience figures are an accurate measure – it will be a time to start moaning. About how everything is football, football, football. Well, yes, it is. But it's only for a month. So give the rest of us a break. It's hardly as if the TV schedules are ever that great in the summer, so we're not keeping you away from anything. Try to think of it as repayment for all those dull programmes you've made us watch over the course of the year. Better still, try to join in the fun. It's not compulsory to have the volume turned up when Adrian Chiles is presenting. Quite the reverse. And if you can't bring yourself to cheer when your team wins, at least take pleasure in the disappointment of others when their team is knocked out. Schadenfreude is one of football's greatest pleasures. Here are four classic criticisms football killjoys will make this summer – and how to answer them. It doesn't matter If you're going to be like that, then what does matter? Most things we do – certainly most of the programmes we watch on television – are no more than ways to fill in time. We're all going to be dead sooner or later anyway. But seeing as we're all still here for the moment, we might as well try to enjoy some of it. What else were you planning to do for the duration of the World Cup that was so important? Watch re-runs of Lewis on ITV2? Besides, do you remember how you were certain the London Olympics were going to be a total waste of money and you wouldn't watch any of them? They weren't so bad in the end, were they? They're all millionaires Strictly speaking, this probably isn't true. I doubt every player in the Iranian and Honduras squads has a million in the bank. But even if they do, what of it? They're still some of the best footballers in the world. Besides, if you have a moral objection to being entertained by millionaires, then you had better be consistent. No more going to see any Hollywood blockbusters at the movies. Come to think of it, you can also forget about watching the new series of Sherlock whenever it comes out, because Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are both loaded now. Essentially you can wave goodbye to ever enjoying anything good enough to have become a huge success. They've got nothing to do with me And be grateful for it. A night in front of the TV watching Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney is time well spent: a night out with the three of them in a bar is probably quite hard work. I'd imagine the conversation might drag a little at times. The feeling that you can only watch people on television with whom you feel some connection or empathy suggests a deep narcissism, or a borderline personality disorder. You know that moment on the BBC Ten O'Clock News when Fiona Bruce looks deep into your eyes and says: "And finally …"? I'm sorry to disillusion you, but she's not actually looking into your eyes. Not really. It's just a game What's so bad about that? At least it only lasts 90 minutes, bar the hours of chat in which pundits try to impose a pattern on a random series of events. And if you do require your games to have a serious moral purpose, then think of the World Cup as a more peaceful version of warfare – where England get to relive their rivalries with Germany; the US square up to Russia; Argentina and Uruguay can lock horns without anyone getting killed. Hopefully. Put like this, the World Cup is a parallel version of Newsnight, with the guns being replaced by a ball. Who wouldn't want to watch that? |
以下言論是你今夏將聽到的四類經典吐槽段子，均來自人們對電視上播不停的足球賽事的抱怨。《衛報》 記者教你如何有力地回擊。 幾天后的6月12日，巴西隊將迎戰本屆世界杯的首個對手克羅地亞隊。對一部分人來說，這拉開了接下來為期一個月守在電視機前看轉播的序幕；如果收視率調查數據可靠的話，那么另一些人將開始長達一個月的吐槽——怎么到哪兒都是足球。拜托，世界杯只比賽一個月，請嘴下留情放我們一馬吧。 今夏電視節目表的精彩程度超過以往任何時刻，好節目不容錯過。就當是對過去一年我們“被”看了各種無聊電視節目的補償。若是能學會享受其中的樂趣那最好不過了。完全沒必要一看到解說艾德里安·奇爾斯（Adrian Chiles）就調大音量。倘若你無法在你支持的球隊獲勝時大聲歡呼，那么不妨在別人因支持的球隊輸球而沮喪的時候偷著樂吧。幸災樂禍果然是看球最大的樂趣之一。 球迷們將在今夏聽到以下四類煞風景的經典吐槽段子。讓我教你如何有力地回擊。 世界杯不重要 如果你是這樣的心態，我只能說這都不重要，還有什么是重要的呢？大部分事情，我是說我們在電視上看的大部分節目，僅僅是打發時間而已。反正我們遲早都要離開這個世界，既然此刻還在這里，那何不盡情享受呢？世界杯期間到底有什么你非做不可的事情呢？看英國獨立電視臺二套（ITV2）重播電視劇《劉易斯》（Lewis）嗎？況且，當初你信誓旦旦地覺得倫敦奧運會浪費錢，你看都不愿看，你該不會忘了吧？其實到后來倫敦奧運會也沒那么糟糕，對吧？ 球員們個個身家萬貫 嚴格說來并非如此。我懷疑是否每位伊朗隊與洪都拉斯隊的球員在銀行都有超過一百萬的存款。即使有，那么確切數字是多少呢？畢竟他們是世界頂尖球員。此外，你若有仇富心態，可別輕易變卦呀。不去看好萊塢大腕演的電影就是了。最好也別追《神探夏洛克》（Sherlock）了，誰叫夏洛克與華生的扮演者本尼迪克特·康伯巴奇（Benedict Cumberbatch）和馬丁·弗瑞曼（Martin Freeman）那么有錢呢？看來你只能徹底揮別一切在他們成名前你曾熱捧過的東西。 世界杯和我沒關系 我們要心懷感激。晚上守在電視機前看里奧內爾·梅西（Lionel Messi）、克里斯蒂亞諾·羅納爾多（Cristiano Ronaldo）和韋恩·魯尼（Wayne Rooney）的比賽比起大晚上和朋友們赴酒吧應酬那樣的苦差事要幸福得多。當你看著電視上的人，感覺到他們在注視你，和你交流，其實這種感覺暴露出你陷入自我陶醉的深淵或是患有邊緣型人格障礙。你一定熟悉下面的場景，英國廣播公司十點新聞（BBC Ten O'Clock News）的女主播菲奧娜·布魯斯（Fiona Bruce）深情地望著你，說“節目的最后……”。抱歉我得打斷你的幻想，她并不是在看你。真的不是。 一場比賽而已 世界杯到底有什么不好？不過是90分鐘的比賽而已，除了那些球評人士硬要擺出道理確實不妥。如果你真的想賦予球賽正兒八經的目的，那就當是一場沒有硝煙的戰爭吧——在這場戰役里，英國與德國又杠上了；美國亮出與俄羅斯對抗的姿態；阿根廷與烏拉圭打得難解難分，所幸無人傷亡。世界杯猶如《新聞之夜》（Newsnight）的翻版，沒有了槍炮，取而代之的是足球。這樣的一幕，誰不愿意看到呢？ （譯者 拉風_悅 編輯 齊磊） |
Australia had a bumpy ride through the Asian qualifying groups, losing to Oman and Jordan, En route to finishing second behind Japan to seal a world cup place. >詳細>>
