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How a woman can change her man
HAMBURG, Germany: A woman has little chance of changing her man's worst habits like leaving mountains of washing around, telling lies and not keeping promises, but there are ways and means, according to the experts. "It is presumptuous and virtually impossible to re-educate your man. You cannot change a person," says Regnar Beer, a marriage therapist at the University of Goettingen, Germany. It is however different when it comes to "expressing your wishes," she says. Much of the friction between man and wife is the result of education and social traditions, according to psychologist Michael Thiel. Girls get more training from early childhood in language and social skills while boys train aggressiveness and stamina, he argues. "Mothers of boys prefer a young go-getter to a weakling, and rear him accordingly. The result often becomes obvious to the partner who has to endure hours of silence, postponement of doctors' appointments and deliberate forgetting of phone calls to relatives and friends," Thiel says. But even when it comes to household offences like leaving socks around the house or avoiding a visit to the barber, harsh criticism only makes it worse. "If you want to change your partner's habits you should reflect on your own viewpoints," says communications trainer Elisabeth Bonneau. "It is unwise to place yourself above the other. You are not the mother or boss of your partner." Far more effective than threats or accusations is a negotiating strategy which runs something like this: "I love you and that is why I want to talk to you about something that will make our living together easier." In such a way the partner could be brought to think things over. It is best to avoid any form of generalization, and to express feelings in the "I form." A good conflict culture is decisive," Thiel argues. "Describe the habits of your partner, what you find disturbing and how this affects you," the psychologist explains. "Tell him what your wishes are and what effect it has on you if he takes your wishes seriously." In a household dispute you could say: "Well now, you have not done the dishwashing once this week. It makes me angry and I feel exploited. I want you to do the washing at least twice a week. If you could do that, I would not feel like an exploited housewife." "The biggest influence on the partner is when the relationship is in order,"
says motivational trainer Professor Julius Kuhl of the University of Osnabrueck,
northern Germany. He recommends that couples talk to each other regularly at
least two hours a week on common topics.
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