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New environment tests long-distance love
Chen Jian and Li Jing were straight-A students in Beijing-based universities. In the early 1990s, they got to know each other and fell in love. After graduation, they decided to continue their post-graduate studies in the United States. Li Jing got the chance first when a scholarship took her to a university in the southern state of Louisiana. To make their relationship permanent, they tied the knot before she set off. One year later, Chen Jian joined her, also on a student visa. However, their life in the United States was not an extended honeymoon. The 12-month separation seemed to have poisoned their five-year love affair. Chen complained that Li had developed a new tendency to "show off,'' thus indirectly encouraging suitors who had been buzzing around her before he arrived. On her part, Li was not happy that her husband was not quick at picking up the English language and had shown resistance to adapting to the new environment. The once ultra-compatible couple entered a period of "cold war,'' which turned uglier every month. A year later, they went their separate ways. Man: the weaker sex? This is the kind of break-up story that is heard throughout Chinese student communities overseas. Young couples who have bonded with years of mutual affection and co-habitation suddenly find themselves in an environment that seems to make them strangers again. Relationships get tested by a new set of rules once you come to a new country, says Tang Mei, who studied with Chen and Li and whose own cross-Pacific romance suffered abrupt "power deficiency.'' Tang and many other US-based Chinese students believe that to have the wife or girl friend set foot in America first is the most lethal relationship-killer. The reasons are many: The foremost is temptation as male students from China usually outnumber female students on many campuses, sometimes by many times. A woman who is even temporarily single may be pursued simultaneously and relentlessly by several guys. The deep-rooted cause, however, is the reversal of roles. Most women tend to date or marry men who are one rung higher on the talent ladder. Once in America, women usually learn the language faster and show more resilience towards adaptation. Men, with their latent sense of supremacy, do not take it well with the reality that they may now not do as well as their spouses in either career or simply getting things done, explain observers like Tang. The men tend to lament that their talent is being overlooked in the superficial society that emphasizes only presentation skills and employable knowledge. Those who major in mathematics, physics or other "purer'' sciences come under enormous pressure to "convert'' to popular fields such as computer science. And their erstwhile strength in abstract thinking may be seen as a handicap in learning the ropes of everyday tasks. Some men blame women for the break-up, attributing it to their "vanity'' for eyeing richer, more successful men -- those with better jobs, bigger houses or posher cars. But it's not fair to blame them, say experts, because the failure often results from miscommunication at a psychologically-vulnerable time on both sides. "Women in these situations may blame their spouses for obstinacy whereas they should reach out and offer gentle help. Men should make an effort to adapt rather than recoil into the cocoon of self-defence when faced with a different value system,'' suggests Dr Zhuo Yiding, a psychiatrist in Texas. Urge to merge Male students who arrive in the foreign land first usually make it a top priority to take their spouses along. If they are married, it's not difficult for the wife to obtain a visa. If they are not, the guy may rush back home to complete the legal procedures for marriage. These couples are easy to spot on outbound airplanes. Although usually in their 20s, they exhibit expressions reminiscent of puppy love: blissful in a sea of weary travellers. One pair even carried board a large framed wedding photo on a recent US-bound plane. They are the lucky ones. Single men studying abroad are among the loneliest souls. They tend to have heavy workloads and very limited social circles. "Yes, we pine for the blondes working around us, but we can only sigh hopelessly,'' says an online posting at a North American Chinese students forum, citing lack of guts or financial means as the major reason for not expanding the target of courting to the vaster pool of non-Chinese. Many of them write essays or poems giving vent to their solitude on lonely nights and even-lonelier weekends. Most would prefer to drown it out, not with liquor, but with more work. Coming to their rescue is new technology, which has made international long-distance calls much more affordable than a decade ago and Internet communication virtually free. Most students spend hours online everyday, toggling between work and chatting with remote friends. This has made the long nights a little more bearable and helped preserve many relationships. "A period of two years of separation can be a yardstick,'' says Xie Zhong, leader of a student group in Houston. "Married couples may endure it better, but unmarried ones have a higher break-up rate getting beyond two years without reunion.'' Xie also reveals to China Daily that, while divorce rate among overseas students may be higher than similar demographics in China, the new environment may be a boon to the stability of many a relationship. For the same reason that single men in this group find it hard to get dates, married men also have less chance to have extramarital affairs. Life for most student couples tends to develop into such a routine that the slightest anamoly may easily be detected. This is also the reason why women tend to discourage their spouses from moving back to China because the temptation for "straying'' is too strong. Free pass for youth For the new flock of teenage students who mostly go to overseas language schools, dating and mating have become a whole new ballgame. Gender distribution is more balanced; sexual inhibitions are few; and an environment free from parents' nagging and teachers' preaching has proved a virtual paradise for "love at will.'' Reports from Australia and New Zealand, where most of these youngsters go, have been startling: the rate of cohabitation is extremely high and unplanned pregnancies are not uncommon. After squandering their parents' hard-earned earnings, some of them go back to China, not with a diploma, but with a new-born baby. The teenagers defend themselves by saying that living together has given them a taste of real life, even though few of them are prepared to walk down the aisle soon. They can compare notes in class and care for each other afterwards, enriching an otherwise lonely and monotonous life. Some even claim that co-habitation is the only valuable experience they have got since learning English in a school where 95 per cent of students are Chinese is self-defeating. Their elder brothers and sisters, let alone their parents' generation, take dating and sex more seriously. Co-habitation does exist among the older generations of students, but most are born out of solid relationships that lead to marriages. Even those who seek it for "recreational'' purposes or for "dispelling loneliness'' do not seem to be proud of it. Wu Ping, a PhD student in the Washington DC area, lived with another woman before his wife was able to join him. Even though their marriage lasted two more years, he attributed the eventual split to that out-of-loneliness case of unfaithfulness. Not all Chinese teenagers overseas have embraced the "free atmosphere.'' A 19-year-old student at New Zealand's University of Otago writes: "Many of my classmates are co-habiting, but few are happy. Whether you're a man or woman, you should take responsibility when you get into an arrangement like this.'' |
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